Even if the world is screaming
It’s just been somewhat over 11 pm, I know I have to sleep and put my phone away. But I can’t help that my mind gets more clearly when the rest of my environment fall silent.
When the moon is up, the inspiration to reflect on things starts. It’s when everything is so silent that I can finally hear myself think. The world stopped screaming!
But.. just for a while.
In the past I’ve had many little periods in my life where I had the privilege to experiment with my time. I realized long ago that I get more done when everyone sleeps. And going with this flow, meant that my dopamine levels went through the roof. And all from being in my own little flow of creativity.
But soon certain responsibilities started to burst my bubble and complications arose.
If I had a job during the day, I was too tired for it. Even beside these periods I would have many sick days because of overstimulation, but during these creative flows -as I like to call them- I could barely function.
And I would get angry because I ‘had to work’ or ‘I had other people in my life who wanted things from me’ ugh .. haha Not saying that I don’t like people, I just have specific preferences with interactions. Or now I know these are not really preferences but really my brain works in a certain way and I was trying to accommodate myself, but ‘all these people and things would get in the way!’.
Over the years I’ve learned to just not try these kind of experiments. It just caused problems that I’m not willing to deal with anymore.
But it’s still really maddening to me, because in these little periods of creative flow, I would feel like I was finally fulfilling my potential. Finally using my God given talents in the right way.
I never understood why this is so for me. And so the last time I’ve tried this kind of experiment was about 2 years ago. Thing is, the years before 2021 I was basically only responsible for myself. Yes I’ve had boyfriends, work, friendships, family life, hobbies and all those other stuff most people engage in.
But 2 years ago I was a stay-at-home mom of a 2-year-old, with a husband who, though working full time, didn’t yet see the full picture of what I was carrying at home. Over time that dynamic became unsustainable, leading me into burnout and eventually a mental breakdown. As painful as it was, it became a turning point for us: my husband responded with compassion and has since grown tremendously in how we share the responsibilities of life together.
So in that time I was extremely sleep deprived and just not happy. And so when the thought came about my clarity in the night, I just stayed up longer. But this time, I got a full blown mental breakdown which was actually a blessing in disguise: it sped up towards the burnout and my husband stepping up with compassion and responsibility.
What I’m now learning though, is that the reason for this clarity in the night comes from this: my autistic brain doesn’t get much stimulation anymore and finally gets to process and reflect.
I do have 2 hours of quiet time during the day, but I still have all kinds of stimulation. So I’m not really resting, except when I’m sleeping or staying up late. But when I just sleep, I get frustrated during the day because I want to have the clarity to think and do creative things.
Interruptions are really, really frustrating for my brain and so, I tend to freeze during the day. Just letting the world scream at me.
I hope I can learn with this new information how to make use of the moments I do have the clarity and peace I need.
Right now I’m already 30 min writing this out, and I feel accomplished. Almost ready to go sleep. I just hope I will find these moments during the day also, even when the world is screaming.