Grandmother died..
This is a very long, sort of diary of one big event during this week. I really needed to write this out of my system wordvomit
But long story short; my grandmother got a cerebral infarction, got paralyzed in her left side, couldn’t swallow or speak anymore, and yesterday she died peacefully in her sleep. Now I’m on the camping, trying to keep in mind she would want me to enjoy this time with my daughter and our friends. Her funeral will be next Saturday.
This week started with my grandmother in the hospital.. a week ago, on Sunday, my husband told me my mother send him a voicenote about my grandmother. She got a cerebral infarction, and for almost a day she had lied in her bed before she was found. So by that time there was a lot of damage done; her left side is paralyzed, she can’t swallow and can’t speak.
My husband wanted to wake me immediately so that we could go to her as fast as possible, but my mother told him to wait. We thought we were waiting for an operation she would have, but then, suddenly, after a few hours I got a text from my father about my grandmother.
For context; my parents are divorced and my relationship with him is okay but to me my stepdad is more my father than him. And my other grandmother has pretty good contact with my grandmother, but she didn’t know this yet. So it was extremely weird to me to get a message from him about my grandmother. Especially because he had more information than me; that the operation went well. While me and my husband were waiting to hear when she would have it and how it went.
So of course I was happy to hear the operation went well, but I asked my mother via text how it’s possible that he would know that and not me?
Well, my mother heard about the cerebral infarction Saturday evening from my uncle. And she and my stepdad were on vacation. So they started to pack things and went back home on Sunday morning. But she is very emotional; her father died last January, now her mother is in the hospital and it was not looking very good.. she also decided to quit her career after 30+ years due to stress and well, it’s just a lot. So I understand, she told me she wasn’t really in her right mind and maybe forgot a few details.
So me and husband brought our daughter to a friend, and we went to my grandmother. When I first saw her, she was sleeping. It was the same kind of view I saw in January with my grandfather; he had dementia, 94 years old, had fallen and was in a lot of pain, when I saw him he was already brought to sleep along with pain medication. With him, we thought for the past few years it could be over any day, so the goodbye was somewhat easier. I was a little bit shocked because of this view, but was also in awe about the innocence coming of from her in her sleep state. I saw photos in my mind of her as a child and I was feeling much love.
Not long after that my parents (mom and stepdad) arrived at the hospital and grandmother awoke. I saw she was conscious, and very happy to see us. But I was in shutdown, when I was alone with her, all I could say was that I really love her, and that I just wanted to be there with her, that I couldn’t find words. She tried to speak but it was really difficult to hear her, which was more frustrating for her than for me. I love to sit in silence with people, not everyone can do that. Most people find it uncomfortable. So we just looked at each other and eventually I said that it is okay if she’s tired and wants to sleep, I would be here with her for a while.
And that was just beautiful.
The next day the doctor would give a diagnoses, I wanted to be there. So I stayed with my parents and my husband went home to take care for our daughter.
Monday me, mom, stepdad and my brother first went to the grave of my grandfather. I haven’t been there since the funeral, because I live further away than my family.
My grandparents have found a beautiful place for their burials, it’s a natural graveyard in a park. So the dead lay among the living. They have a spot where their baskets (they have chosen rotan baskets to lay in) will be on top of each other. I find that beautiful and romantic; forever together. When the funeral of my grandfather was, it was winter and everything was still bare. Now, in the summer there are lots of weeds and bushes and flowers blooming with butterflies and honeybees, so peaceful.
Then we went to my grandmother. Before we saw her, everyone was very sad, basically grieving her while she was still with us. But after we all saw her, we were very hopeful. We all had beautiful moments with her; she was laugh/ crying from a video of my daughter, me and my brother could hear a few words; ‘I love you very dearly’ and an few other things that we were hopeful about.
We knew from her that she didn’t want to go to an elderly care facility, and she didn’t want a whole path of suffering. But we thought; well you never know, maybe she can survive this and maybe it could get better, and maybe she wants to fight.
But after the doctors diagnosis, we knew; this is it.. we went to the lounge and talked everything through. We all agreed she is too conscious to not understand her situation. So we decided to explain it to her, and ask her to show us with hand squeezes if she understands. We all saw that she understood her situation and she was content with it. It was okay for her.
So that day I said goodbye, which was really difficult. My grandparents, from my mother’s side, have been very loving, fun grandparents and they were also kind of second parents to me and my brother.
The days after, I could not let my emotions out. I had a very intense feeling that I wanted to see her Saturday if she was still conscious. But I was also really overstimulated and the travel would be too taxing for me. But Friday she was in pain and so they put her on morfine and sleep medication and Saturday morning she died peacefully in her sleep.
Now it’s already a week ago since we’ve heard that she got a cerebral infarction and was laying in the hospital. It was a very intense week, and now she’s gone.
Me and daughter are from Sunday to Thursday on a camping with our friends (a mom and daughter who is the best friend of my daughter and in this year her mother became a good friend of mine <3), and I know my grandparents would want me to have a joyful time. They would always say ‘if you are good and happy, we are good and happy’.
So I’ll keep that in my mind and hold on to all the good memories of them!
Until next time, Verity Voron 🐦⬛