Just some raw feels

15 Aug, 2026

It’s already a week ago since we’ve buried my grandmother, and reflecting upon the past week; I’ve been mostly very tired and down.

I also noticed deeper feelings that I have been ignoring for a long time, namely; anger.

I feel like I’m constantly at the verge of imploding, trying to be graceful among others, and not judging or being inconsiderate out loud with other people.

But it feels like I have been inwardly inflicting myself with terrible wounds, and like a paper cut that can hurt much more than bigger wounds to me, one little trigger and I unleash the hounds of my inner hell on the person I love most; my husband. And it’s not fair, and I don’t want to be like this.

But I have to deal with this anger. So I started to make a list of things that I’m angry about, and it was a relief tbh. I think I’ll make this kind of lists more often, even if the themes are continually the same.

Why I am angry

• Interruptions

• Finances are confusing

• People expect immediate answers, I can't take the time so I just go along with everything and get angry later because I go along with things I don't want!

• The dynamic between me and husband sometimes feels like father-daughter. When I express what I think or what I feel, it always ends up being about him and I have to restrain myself from getting angry because it is unfair, and I wonder where exactly that comes from? Does it come from my father or from my mother? I used to have something against Mom because I didn't feel heard and respected by her, but I often feel that way with husband too... and he says things that trigger me but I can never quite recall exactly what it is he says that triggers me so much, or what feeling that is.

• Because I am not a fun mom who does fun creative things with her..

• Because I always walk on eggshells around everyone, always have to think 10 times before I say something so as not to offend someone when I don't mean to, because I always try to take everyone into account and avoid conflict because conflict feels so intense as if the world is ending, I just want things to be right. There are very few people with whom I can communicate harmoniously, and I want that for myself and husband too, but it just doesn't work (although it has gotten better!)

• That I always try to hold myself back, but there always comes a moment when I lose myself, and especially when that is with husband, he says things as if I make the choice to be this way; he doesn't understand how trauma and triggers work, even though he suffers from it himself because if I flip out, he often flips out too, so that is a trigger, and then he doesn't always have himself completely under control either, but it’s always me who is hysterical in his eyes

• Because I just constantly worry about everything and think why don't others worry about these things (our little one, the feelings of others, the world, our faults towards others etc.)

• Because people don't want to think deeply about what they are doing wrong and try to do it differently, but at the same time come up with all kinds of advice as if they are holy, and also because I see that in others but exalt myself because I am almost exclusively occupied with those things and see that I judge others for this, which is not good, so I I am a hypocrite myself and I hate that

• That I don't want to be vain and try to accept how things are with my appearance but also feel mega insecure all the time and as if I have no value because of it, even though husband loves me and thinks I’m beautiful

• Because I didn't get another chance to see Grandma while she was still well, that Mom had first said we could still see Grandma on Thursday but decided it would be too busy for her anyway and that I saw Grandma the next time in the hospital and that that was also the last time..

• That perhaps partly because of trauma I can no longer be creative because it has become something negative due to a specific event where I was the victim but some adults said that I probably made the whole thing up because I was a creative and imaginative child..

Until next time, Verity Voron 🐦‍⬛