Motherly worries
Our little one has always been sensitive; gentle, deeply observant, and easily overwhelmed. About three weeks ago, she started saying she didn’t want to go to school. At first I thought it may be a moment, as it was a overal busy week. But not long after she started to tell about her experiences at school and that ‘the children are loud and wild’, which she didn’t like. And my heart just sank..
I can remember that feeling so vividly. The chaos, the noise, the bright lights, the constant movement. As a child, I used to cry and scream at times that I didn’t want to go to school. I wanted rest. But everyone kept telling ‘it would get better’, that ‘I’d get used to it’. But I never really did. I can remember that even in elementary school I used to just leave school during lunch break instead of staying; even though my mom paid for me and my brother to stay there. It was just too overstimulating for me, so I often went home or to a trusted persons home, like my best friend. In high school, I forged my mom’s signature; not to cause trouble, but to breathe. Most of the time I just stayed at home for a day, or I would disappear for a few hours. It was my way of coping when everything felt too much.
So now, on Wednesdays, we keep our little one at home. She’s not yet legally required yet to attend school, so we have some breathing room. Sometimes I bring her at a later time in the morning, and I have an app where I can message the teacher, who can also let me know how it goes with little one. After school I ask little one what she needs, most of the time she wants me to read a book or do a puzzle. I think it’s important for her to ‘land’ back into our home atmosphere, and that it’s on her pase. From 3 pm to 5 pm we have quiet time, which means that she can free play in her room. Usually an hour of creative free play (play dough, painting, while listening to fairytales) and after that she may watch something for an hour. After that, we have family time and are preparing for dinner. Most of the time she wants to do a puzzle with me, dance, make music, play outside, read a book or color.
We try to have a balance of free play and together time, some days I myself am overstimulated and it’s either she has more time with my husband or she has more free play. We are teaching her to be bored and to be creative in the boredom. It’s how we grew up also, and we want that for her too. Me and my husband are both pretty addicted to our phones, but we try to be mindful around little one and we try to get creative in the boredom also. It’s nice to do this as a family.
But the truth is, it’s hard. Most of the days I need to recover from overstimulation (due to autism, adhd, pmdd) and I often feel like I’m not the mom I would like to be for her. I wish I had the energy to homeschool her, to let her learn in her own rhythm, to follow her curiosity and build confidence in her own way. But I’ve learned that I can’t.
And people around me always say how good it is that she goes to school, that they were worried when I would talk about my wish to homeschool her. That she would miss out on socialization among other things. But I’ve learned that those opinions are just not always true, it’s not that black and white. Sure some kids do well at school, but I think a lot would do better in smaller settings, especially if it’s with a safe person (like the mother). If you feel safe you just have more room to grow because when you’re in stress mode, you can’t grasp life. But still, for us, it’s the most realistic option, even though I want more for her. I could not go out on regular play dates or co-ops with other homeschoolers and certain activities. So school does provide that for her..
Every morning though, when she says she wants to go back home with me, I feel this deep ache. I encourage her in the ways that I can, and gladly the teacher is also really sweet and helps us. But I carry the guilt with me in the days, that I can’t fix it for her, that I can’t give her the calm world I wish she had.
But I’m trying to remind myself: she doesn’t need a perfect mom. She needs a mom who sees her. And that, I can do; even on the days when everything feels heavy.