A hug can hold the sky
Tears in tangled sheets —
small hands reaching through the dark
for one soft promise
There is one thing I believe to be true about my personal journey in parenthood; to be patient.
To be honest, for me it was much more easy to be patient with a baby - 2,5 yo than the ages after that. The communication was very basic and I intuitively understood what our little one needed, and she could become more easily calm from me just being there.
But the thing is, she still needs me just being there. She is talking about lots of things and also tries to pinpoint what she is feeling and telling this. And that’s actually a really good development.
However, my decline in ‘just being there’ is probably because with all the new skills and communication she has learned, I thought I needed to step up in that way also. But it’s becoming more and more clear to me that she doesn’t need a mom who is constantly talking about stuff. She needs a mom who is just there when she is feeling all the feels and doesn’t know how to regulate. She just needs a mom who can give hugs and kisses. Who is just there.
Thing is, when I myself am severely overstimulated, touch is one of the things that can throw me in a meltdown or shutdown. More often than not I first need to distance myself for a little bit before I can give her what she needs. And it makes me feel guilty. But I’m starting to realize; I’m not superhuman, I’m not a saint. I am just a human. And I try to be better with the consciousness and strength I have, and I pray for more.
I keep worrying if she will grow up feeling neglected or not safe. I worry she will search for love in all the wrong places just because there is nobody who is really there for her. Who makes her feel loved and just accepted for who she is.
And I think it’s not wrong to think about these things, they just should not dominate my thoughts.
I try to trust, but also try to change, try to do better with what I have.
And maybe me being someone who just isn’t capable of doing much because of overstimulation, means the biggest thing I can give her, is just being there giving hugs.
#familylife #spaceholder