Writing before I had the words
TL;DR:
I wrote this poem during my burnout, before I understood the patterns in my AuDHD. Looking back, I can see that my brain tends to get ‘stuck’ in whatever state it's in.. whether that's burnout, depression, or feeling almost euphoric. I'm learning to recognize those patterns earlier and have made a plan with the people closest to me so they know when to step in if I lose perspective. This poem reminds me that real peace isn't found in chasing emotional highs, but in learning to appreciate the quiet spaces in between (scroll down to find the poem)🦢 Where silence meets the storm 🌪️
About two years ago I wrote this poem. I was in the beginning of a burnout, trying to understand what it means to live with AuDHD. It's confusing sometimes, having a brain that craves both quiet, routine and predictability, while also longing for novelty, creativity and freedom.
A few years later, I can finally see slow progress in both my mental and physical health. More importantly, I'm starting to recognize patterns that I couldn't see before.
One of those patterns is that my brain seems to get stuck in momentum. Whatever state I'm in, it wants to stay there.
If I'm burned out, I'm really burned out. If I'm depressed, everything feels heavy. If I've built the habit of going outside every day, I just want to go every day. And when I'm feeling really good, I have to be careful, because that energy can keep building.
I'm still trying to understand exactly what's happening. It isn't clear whether this is ‘just’ part of my AuDHD, something else, or whether another diagnosis plays a role. What I do know is that I've had several periods that resembled hypomanic, manic or even psychotic episodes. During those times my thinking changed dramatically. I genuinely believed I could take on the world, needed very little rest, had endless ideas, and completely lost my ability to judge my own limits.
That's the part that scares me.
When I'm in one of those extreme states (whether very low or very high) I lose perspective. Advice from other people barely gets through, because in that moment my brain genuinely believes it's seeing things clearly. Looking back afterwards, I can usually recognize that I wasn't.
Right now I'm noticing that my energy is rising again. That's a good thing, but I've learned not to ignore it. Instead of assuming everything is fine, I'm making a list of warning signs for the people closest to me. I've told my parents and my husband that if they notice those signs, I want them to contact my therapist. And if I refuse help because I sincerely believe I'm fine; or even believe I can do everything and don't need anyone.. I want them to take it seriously, even if I disagree in that moment.
Since becoming a mother, this has become one of my biggest fears. I've worked hard to find a healthier balance because I never want my daughter to experience me in that state. In 2022 and 2023 I came close to that point several times, eventually leading to several mental breakdowns and, ultimately, a severe burnout.
This poem was written before I understood any of that. Looking back, I can see that I was already trying to describe those in-between places; the longing for intensity, but also the longing for peace.
I feel like I've almost butchered the poem by adding all these words, but I'm leaving them here anyway. Writing this helps me regulate these feelings. And that's exactly why I love Bear. It feels like a place where people simply write because they have something real to say.. not because they're trying to sell something or build a brand. Just people being human.
So... here's the poem.
In the quiet spaces between the beats, Where life’s rhythm softly retreats, A yearning soul seeks highs untold, In search of tales yet to be unfold.
Through the mundane of routine days, Longs for echoes of emotional waves, A symphony of joy, elusive and rare, Yet whispers of discontent linger in the air.
In the silence between laughter and tear, A heart craves moments that boldly veer, Into the realms of passion and delight, Yet, in between, it yearns for more than the fight.
Oh, seeker of highs in life’s grand design, Yearning for emotions, both yours and mine, In the gentle cadence of the ordinary, Find the beauty in the subtle, the unwary.
For in the quiet, in-between spaces, Lie the seeds of joy, in hidden embraces, Let contentment bloom in the ordinary scene, Discover the ecstasy in the spaces between.
Until next time, Verity Voron 🐦⬛